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Uncle Nick! John P!

A sense of relief means you did the right thing.

I was scheduled to start at TSA this morning. I was going to write "supposed to start" but when I thought about it I knew that wasn't true. I'm sure some people will be disappointed, confused, suspicious, etc, but let me tell you what I have learned to be valuable in this world before you decide to be anything about this turn of events. As some of you may know, I recently attended the funeral of my uncle Cliff, (father's brother) and it was an incredible learning experience for me, both about myself and about my family. I spent almost a week in Iowa, watching my dad and uncle Nick bury a second brother, hearing stories about the "Koch boys" from friends of the family, and seeing hundreds of different people grieving in different ways. I had no idea so many lives had been touched by my uncle. I wish I could convey to you the images of my aunt's grief that have stuck with me, but what she did or what she said would never come across enough if you only heard of it without being there. I hope someday that someone is that in love with me. My cousin was so strangely calm through the whole process of picking out photos, writing a pamphlet, and even the wake, right up until the funeral. She felt like a stranger to me with all the years since we have seen each other, but some sense of family made me love and care for her so much. There is a much larger experience to write about here, reaching farther than I'm going to post online, but the basis of my recent evaluation of my life is summed up by the question of "what happens when we die?". The simplest answer to that question is "we no longer live". We no longer read books. We no longer tell stories. We no longer share hot cocoa. We no longer go camping. We no longer hold hands. We no longer kiss. We no longer go for walks on the beach. We no longer ride our bikes. We no longer look at funny videos on the internet. We no longer watch movies. We no longer make fart noises and laugh. We no longer pay bills. We no longer work. We no longer drive to and from work. We no longer wait between shifts. Only some of these things are going to be missed. If you need me to explain which ones there is something wrong with you. Some of you will say "You could have been making more money", and I will tell those people those people that money isn't what's valuable. If I need to, I can even break down the numbers for them, and ask them if they would be willing to give up 20 more hours of their life every week in travel and waiting, and in giving up other things that they love which also make money. All told with the extra expenses of travel and lifestyle changes, it adds up to 88 dollars per week that I would be making more if I had started. 88 dollars in exchange for 20 hours of my free time, and my Tae Kwon Do classes that I would likely not be able to teach any longer (and not get paid for anymore). If you haven't done the math yourself already that is $4.40/hr to abstain from what life really is. If someone offered you $4.40/hr to drive for an hour, sit for two (You can read a book, but most internet activities are prohibited) and then drive back an hour and do this five days a week, I'm not sure many people would take it. I have heavy emotional and rational influence on my thought processes because of my parents. Because of my mom, I always consider how I feel about something. Because of my dad, I always consider what I think about something. I've made my decision and I have justified it to myself and the world. I have invited some other influences to sound off. (I have also chosen not to ask when I know the response.) My sister says it might be a great opportunity that I am passing up. Maybe I will regret it years from now. Monica says, "do what makes you happy, Baba." Tyler Durden (Fight Club) says, "You are not your job!". The Buddha says, "Take the middle way." God says, "I put you here to be happy." I'm allowing comments if you have anything to say, too. I think I'm done for now.